"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
— Marilyn Monroe

so here i am after such a long absence. it’s getting harder and harder for me to express myself. i avoid this because i don’t want to express my emotions....yuck! i feel that the expression of emotions makes me weak, makes me lose control and i need to have control. uhmm anyways! wanna hear something shocking? i can’t sleep! wow! that’s totally never happened before. never ever ever. oh wait, never mind it happens all the time. don’t know what’s keeping me awake this time. might be the massive amounts of caffeine i’ve downed in the last 24 hours. yeah, that sounds like it might do the trick. plus: i’m hungry. i always have a hard time falling asleep if i’m hungry. grr.

i'm feeling anxious right now, i'm not really sure why. it's almost 12 am, i find myself unable to sleep, unable to concentrate on anything except for keeping my mind busy with pointless shit; why do i go from happy and generally feeling good about myself and the position i'm in, to feeling so low, so depressed? what is it about me that makes me go through these mood swings. are they even normal? is the way i feel even normal? am i meant to feel like crying when i think of happy times we had together? is that how this works? i do something good, i experience something good, and then every time i think about it i get depressed? how does that even work? surely thinking about something good that happened would make me feel good? a happy moment in my past, why doesn't that make me happy thinking about it? why must i go through so much bullshit emotion every time i think about you or something we went through?


well....here i tell ya, i’m starting to feel like all i ever do is whine. and bitch. bitch and whine. but then again, this is my blog, the place where i can vent all of my bitching and whining so that it doesn’t spill over into my non-electronic life. i suppose it’s okay then. but i do feel bad about it sometimes. weird right, i put all this crap out here so that i can feel free to express myself, knowing that no one will really read it. then i get upset when i realize no one is reading it. then i worry if the imaginary people reading this will think i’m whiney. i think i’ve officially gone off the deep end. oh well. i’m strange, this isn’t news to anyone, least of all me. what can i say. i was just born that way, it’s in my DNA. i’m....wait, i’m not lesbian. that's for sure. (i know i'm so random!)

because the life i'm living right now was never ever planned out for me. i always though that once i was out and into the big bad world that i was going to automatically be somebody. you're probably saying to yourself, "who is this whiney little spoiled kid who didn't understand what the real world was like?" well i'm here to say, "i'm not that little." somewhere down the line, i merged from this bright eyed hopeful kid, into this broke. where is my fairy god father. i dont understand how many times i can make the same wish at 11:11 or on a shooting star. i feel like i'm trapped behind bars. i miss my life. i miss how much life i used to breathe in every day. where in the world can i find life again. it's missing. it used to be plentiful. i could walk out the front door, and experince it everywhere. i could feel it in my skin. i could even pass it along to people. now i can barely get enough life as it is. what happened. i'm constantly searching for the thing that makes me whole, but i know its been in front of me the whole time. i really can't fight the calling any more. i have to accpet the person i am in totallity. not just little bits and pieces. today, i am putting the puzzle back together. yeah, i'm still alive and healthy.

however, this week is not going to get any easier. the days are flying by and time is-a ticking, there isn't any time for hesitation or fuck ups. i have a ton of work to get done and no time to worry about romance. although, my horoscope said otherwise i really don't care. i want to get a few things done before school starts back up and do not need any distraction. it's time to hustle!

"i won't give up, there's still many ways to go...don't give up, for the sake of humanity"
i am ..... still. these breathing episodes take all the energies out of me, physically and emotionally.
while sitting in the front row, i've been sleeping in classes lately. actually i wasn't sleeping, i just acted like i was sleeping, but honestly i was remembering those old days. well, it meant nothing. it always means nothing. i just...i miss ya guys. i've been pretending like you were beside me, you were going nuts, you were giggling out while those freakin jayus sentences popped out, love story oh damn love story, everyday was surrounded by laughs, you accepted me and my creepy stories so well, that warm and safe feelings i had around you, the whole freshmen year are still stucked in my head. isn't it funny how i can choose to forget things from my past. or try to. i mean no matter how hard i try to forget, i can not and it haunts me everyday of my life, but sometimes i can forget, who knows if it's from sorrow and pain or just i'm losing it. well i don't remember anything from before my dad left me. that's my latest memory which is kinda odd for me, because i used to remember everything, but now i just try to shut everything else out of my head, and all i can remember is the night my dad was gone. i don't remember my second birthday or anything really. usually people do but i just try to forget and it will work sooner or later. but could you see? none of my currently situations can help me. maybe it's not the right time. well, this is different, i need to live alone. i want to ngekos, seriously, for various good reasons of course and obviously will make me better. but my momma doesn't permit me yet, she thinks that's not gonna work out. but it's alright, thank God i still have her around, she has done so much for me over my life. uhm, i want bakpia anyway. or singkong keju.

• i need to stop worrying about whether or not i can make it through this situation or life on my own. i need to stop worrying about whether or not people love me or accept me or even listen to what i have to say in general. i just need to let things happen as they are meant to, when they are meant to...hm. this is hard for me. i mean, i always feel like i need to try to control situations, especially the future. i guess basically what will be will be, whether i want it to or not, whether i am ready or not, whether i like it or not. life goes on with or without me at the helm of it all all the time. it's not a bad philosophy to adopt really. it doesn't mean i can't have hopes and dreams, as long as i live in the present.
  

• i have a lot of work to do, but i don't want to do it. surprise! this is going to be a busy semester. i must be insane, or just stupid, or perhaps both (sigh).

• i just don't want to waste time. time is so fragile, so fleeting, and i feel like i have already spent so many years not giving myself to God... erg! but i am doing it now, as much as He will let me.

• finally got a chance to talk to Lia today. it was good to hear her voice. and i hope her cellphone is not really missing, please God, amin.

• i certainly can't go back to my old life, and i want to move on to a new one. i'm totally up for whatever challenge lies ahead.

• i really wish i knew how to read these silences. i suppose i shouldn't jump to any dramatic conclusions. maybe they mean nothing. maybe they mean something. i will eventually find out either way, so why bother worrying about something i cannot control or change?

• i can't change the past, and i can't predict the future. i can only hope i am finally on the right path, and that i can accept these parts of who i am or who i will become with or without someone's participation.

• i feel pretty good at the moment - protected and loved by those closest to me.